anxiety teeth

the teeth of anxiety

gnawing through me

 

when you said we needed to talk

nearly paralyzed me into insanity

 

must have been plastered on my face

like a statues easily read expressions

 

for you told me not to worry

which naturally only stirred up my nightmares more

 

i really needed to know then

what was going on

 

it was the waiting that killed me

always does,

 

but you refused to give my anxiety the swift death

instead stretching it out and prolonging it

 

the way a sadistic hunter tortures their

quarry for hours;

 

finally the fangs of your hounds pierced the flesh

of my rabbits

 

until i bled openly into your palm

and you said nothing.

– linda m. crate

 

sugared water

i don’t want

sugared

water

 

the taste always

made me

cringe

 

what i wanted was the

ambrosia of truth no matter

how hard it stung

 

my tongue

because i have always

appreciated honesty,

 

but you were too enamored

with the shield of

dishonesty which always cloaked you;

 

your words

only became moot and meaningless

when i discovered that you had lied

 

actions speak louder than words

they say and your acts said that you

didn’t love me

 

even though you claimed to

we were never anything more than sugared water

a taste i’ve come to despise.

– linda m. crate

 

learning to unshatter

it felt as right as rain,

but the falling always does;

it’s the studden stop

that will kill you,

and he smashed the vehicle of us

into the mountains and threw

me out into the stars

thinking they would devour me

or perhaps he hoped;

but the moon gathered all the birds of me

that didn’t escape her and sewed

me back together with the aid of the sun,

sea, flowers, and trees

who have always been my friends;

i have never met a flower i didn’t like nor a sea

and the sun paints me so elegantly as he does

his sunrises and sunsets—

i had to die to who i once was

the growth was painful but necessary

had to have my rose tinted glasses shattered to realize

sometimes life is hard and unbearable

trying at every angle to break you in it’s parting kiss,

and that’s when you drive harder your dream

make nightmares into something full of light so the evils

of darkness cannot shatter you again.

– linda m. crate

 

there’s no such thing

you told me

i didn’t have a temper

always tried to hedge me in,

change me,

or make me tamer;

but i am a daughter of the moon

not a tiger

you will never see me in a circus

or behind a cage or snare of any sort

like a bird i’ll only fly away

from those who would have me crucify myself for

their selfish gain and need—

you wanted me to give you song and broke my voice

wished to see me fly after you broke my wings

making you either a masochist or fool,

and perhaps both;

i was able to grow a new voice and stronger wings

so that i could leave the girl you killed behind

without dying to myself

it was something i needed to learn

not to compromise myself

for the sake of anyone

as so often i did to make sure everyone was happy—

there’s no such thing as making everyone

happy because in the end

you lose yourself and become miserable.

– linda m. crate

 

of birds & fish

what if the sky is a sea,

and the bird are fish?

what if the sea is really sky

and the fish are really birds?

these are things that trouble

my mind when i am awake,

i wonder if there can’t be seas

of fire and oceans of air;

sometimes i think we are like

the goldfish in a bowl given this little

globe of glass which is beautiful

with many toys and things to play with

yet if we explore we may find some

hidden meaning to it all—

i want to unravel the mystery of the

universe and to speak to rings of saturn

or kiss the face of pluto even being able to

walk the plains of my motherland wales would be

a blessing to understand something of myself

because even to myself i remain unknown

i want to see what lays behind the mask

good, bad, ugly, and beautiful;

i want to see beneath the lens of nature to know

all the birds or fish of me.

– linda m. crate

 

i won’t forgive nor forget

i’ve seen how monsterous

cancer can be

how it takes the strongest hearts

you know and turns them

into simpering shells of who they

once were,

and i’ve seen the most beautiful people

destroyed by it’s hand;

i wish cancer were a person

so i could knock all of his death out of him and force

him to swallow the pills of the bitterness he’s

given so many undeserving souls—

he went after the sweetest woman i know

you may not ever be touched by her ripples

so let me tell you her name

her name was kathleen

we shared the same birthday of july 18th,

and a love of cats and harry potter;

she had a wit so sharp that the sun could lose his

elbows,

and her heart was one of gold;

she was so strong and fierce and made me laugh

when my soul felt empty and cold

reminded me my dreams would carry me far when i didn’t

believe they could—

then he smashed her like an egg,

and she was so fragile that i wept at the sight of her

because i couldn’t take how weak this disease

made her;

they say forgive and forget but i will never forgive nor forget

cancer.

– linda m. crate